Sunday, September 19, 2010


Welcome to DIVA 101. This is a short course on how to be a real diva. Here you will find tips that will help you become the envy of every woman alive. These tips are not in any particular order but each and everyone of them is as important as the other so don't try to skip any. Simply follow them religiously and success is guaranteed to be yours. If you fail, don't bother retaking it. It simply means you are not meant to be one. Other recommended courses : NERD 101, JOCK 101, SLUT 101.

Lesson 1 : It can be real or it can be fake but you still need to have it. Lots and lots of it. The bigger, the better. No self-respecting diva can be seen without 'it' being in its proper place. What is it? HAIR. As mentioned earlier, it can be yours, it can be fake, it can be somebody else's but you still need to have it. Just look at Diana Ross and Elizabeth Taylor. Local example : Sharifah Aini.

Lesson 2 : Lots of glitter (not shine). You can have glitter on your clothing. You can have glitter on your hair. Or you can have glitter on your make-up. Just remember that the Vegas showgirl look is a definite NO. Go for classy glitter not trashy. Again, Diana Ross is the perfect example.

Lesson 3 : Never explain yourself. Explaining yourself shows that you care too much about what other people say which translates yourself as someone who is not confident enough to brave the wilderness. A diva could care less about gossips and rumours surrounding her. There is nothing mysterious about her. She simply has a nonchalant attitude. Madonna will never be the diva she is today if she has to explain every single controversial thing that she does (which is a lot).

Lesson 4 : Be over the top (even if you can't really afford it). Being over the top depends on your attitude not the size of your Swiss bank account. There are women who definitely will have more money than you do but they can never be the divas they aspire to be. So maximise and optimise your situation and your lifestyle. Some people say that the sky is the limit but a diva can definitely go beyond that. Extravagance and opulence are the keywords here. Examples : Kimora Lee Simmons and Naomi Campbell.

Lesson 5 : Jewelry. You can buy them, borrow them, rent them or even steal them. It doesn't really matter what you do as long as you have them. First choice : Diamonds. One carat and above. Nothing less than that. If possible, of rare cut and colour. Nothing can top that and it's the definite status symbol. Second choice : no second choice actually. No costume jewelry and please no imitation either. Anybody can spot a fake from a mile away. And never ever wear rhinestones.

Lesson 6 : Marry well and marry rich (not someone with the surname 'Rich' okay?). It also doesn't hurt if you marry more than once but make sure you don't come out of any marriage with nothing. Never marry someone who is below your social status unless it's your third or fourth marriage and you have enough from your previous marriage to support your definitely younger toy boy. Learn something from Rita Hayworth and Liz Taylor.

Lesson 7 : Never show your weakness(es) in public. Never succumb to your own emotions in public. A diva can fall from grace when she shows that she is just like any other woman out there. Shed a tear (two at the most) and quickly wipe it (them) from the corners of your eyes but never sob.

Lesson 8 : Never stay at home waiting for something to happen. Make sure you are always in the public eye. You can go out socialising, doing charity work or even be in jail. Just make sure the press and the paparazzi know you are in there. Bring an entourage if possible. The more is definitely the merrier. Remember that the universe revolves around you.

Lesson 9 : Dress as if you have a socialite party to attend. Wear designer clothes which sound exotic and foreign (if possible, the ones which are barely pronounceable). Leave Guess, Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger to the kids. Choose Badley Mischka, Emilio Pucci, Diane von Fürstenberg or Yohji Yamamoto instead. Patronise an aspiring designer if you like his or her work. Drop the label if it has become too commercial.

Lesson 10 : Never pay cash. A diva doesn't have time to deal with real money. Imagine looking for coins in your purse when it should be holding your blood-red lipstick. Leave the paying part to your assistant and your accountant. American Express only, please. No Visa or MasterCard.

Lesson 11 : High heels. You can be a six-footer but nobody says that you cannot wear them. No ballerina slippers or worse, sandals. Stilettos if you can balance yourself well. Don't horse-walk and don't drag your heels. Just sashay and float. Paint your toe nails if you have to show them but not in garish colours. RuPaul is almost seven foot tall but that doesn't stop him from hitting the roof in his heels.

Lesson 12 : Never curse and never swear. Leave all the four-letter words to the hoes from the ghettos and the bitches from the hood. Be acidic and sarcastic but never bitchy. Come up with witty remarks and unforgettable quotes. And no shouting either (not in public anyway. You can always shout at your domestic help at home if necessary).

Lesson 13 : Smile but don't grin. Grinning is for girls who think they can attract guys by showing their pearly whites. Plus grinning always makes anybody look stupid. You are a diva not a bimbo so smile like one.

Lesson 14 : Leave a trail of exotic scent wherever you go but never divulge to others what it is. If you can afford to have a perfume named after you then so much the better. Visit a perfumer ('le nez'  if you are a snob) to create your own personalised perfume and make sure it is packaged to reflect your 'divaness'.

Lesson 15 : Never ever proclaim yourself as a diva. A diva is like a queen and a queen does not need to tell her subjects that she is one. She knows who she is and her subjects do too. But remember a queen can always be dethroned so protect yourself well.

If you think you can follow these simple steps, then you are ready to enroll in Diva 102 which is definitely more comprehensive and intensive than this introductory course. There will be no test (which means no retest) or final exam. Only an on-going assessment of your progress and status. Good luck!