Monday, November 30, 2015


I wrote part of this post way back in June but did not finish it until today. Today is actually my birthday and for the past few months, I had to find back my strength and spirit when another light in my life flickered out, leaving me almost lost and without any purpose. My beloved mother passed away with me and my second sister by her side on Saturday, June 13. She had been hospitalised for almost two weeks since the beginning of the school holidays due to lung infection and breathing difficulty. At the beginning, her condition was quite serious and the doctors asked me to discuss with my siblings on the next steps to take. I called all my brothers and sisters to come back and we sat in the waiting room where I told them what the doctors told me. I told them she might not make it this time and I also advised them to prepare for the worst. I also told them that in case something happened to her, we should accept the fact that she had lived a very fulfilling life. My brothers and sisters said since I was the one who was taking care of her all this time, it was better if I made all the decisions. So I told the doctors to give her the best treatment that they could as long as my Mum was not in pain. I also said no tubes should be inserted to help her breathe since complications might arise due to her age. After two days in the Emergency Room, my Mum was finally transferred to the ordinary ward and I stayed there almost all the time to watch over her. She was still unable to consume solid food so most of the time, I would give her porridge and also 'Novasource', an oral supplement for renal patients. Since she could not sip the liquid on her own, I would use a 20ml plastic syringe to feed her. At night, I slept on the chair outside the ward or in the 'surau' and would check on her every one hour. I did not even go back home at all and had to ask my brother to bring me some clothes so I could change every day. I took my daily shower in the opposite male ward and bought food from the canteen for myself. Miraculously, my Mum got better and I started to think whether I had overreacted about what I had said to my brothers and sisters at the beginning of her admission into the hospital. I also had her transferred to a better room in the hospital which was more comfortable and peaceful. The doctors advised me to get an oxygen machine and by the grace of Allah, my cousin whom my Mum took care of when she was a toddler, offered the use of her late mother-in-law's portable oxygen machine. I felt everything was falling in place nicely and sent daily text messages to my family members reporting her progress. My eldest and youngest brothers came back bringing with them the portable oxygen machine. My friends and second sister cleaned the whole house and prepared her room so she would be comfortable when she came back. My second last brother and a friend adopted all my cats except for one that escaped and did not come back until my Mum got home. I went out and bought her a new wheelchair which was lighter and smaller. I stocked my larder with her 'Nepro' and 'Novasource' so I would not have to go out if they ran out. I was looking forward to her coming home feeling much more comfortable and at ease. I asked my sister to cook a special dish that she used to cook for us when we were still small children. We went home on Friday evening and I could tell that she was happy to be home. She ate the dish that my sister had cooked for her and finished her 'Novasource'. The next morning, after her breakfast, I went to the market and McDonald's. I bought porridge for her and that was what she had for her early lunch. After lunch, she started feeling sleepy so I lay beside her until evening. My uncles came to visit that evening and I left her for about five minutes to say hi to them. When I got back to her room, she was having difficulty breathing. As a Muslim, I recited the 'syahadah' repeatedly into her ear. After a while, she opened her eyes for a few seconds and closed them again. At that moment, I knew that Allah had taken my beloved mother from me. I could not even describe what I was feeling at that time. I knew that despite all my efforts and everything that we did, Allah loves my Mum more. As much as I love her, I know that there is no greater love than Allah's love. As much as I still want her to be with me, I know that what I wish for is impossible in this earthly life. It is hard to go on day by day with a pain that constantly tugs at your heart. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that we will be reunited in the hereafter where there will be no more pain for any of us. Al Fatihah for my beloved Mak and may Allah forgive all her sins and place her in 'jannah'. Amein.