IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS

It's been exactly four years and I still miss him every single day. I wish I had spent more time with him and I wish I had been a better son. My dad was a typical traditional Malay father. Definitely not the modern type whom you can joke or go for a drink with. To those who did not know him, he might seem aloof and strict and to a certain extent, he was. I am the fourth of six children and I was born eight years after my elder brother. My father raised his first three children differently than he did his last three. From the stories that I've heard, he was real strict with my two elder sisters and elder brother. My younger brothers and I, on the other hand, were spared the rod (how lucky I was since I was and still am tender-skinned). I couldn't stand physical pain either (emotional pain, on the other hand, gives me pleasure) so I never knew what it was like to be given a beating. I spent most of my teenage years away from home and once you break free from your nest, it can be quite difficult to go back and be part of it anymore. I was very close to my father before I left home but we simply drifted apart after that. I couldn't talk to him the way I used to and I started hiding things from him. It was totally not 'cool' to be a daddy's boy in front of your friends. I did what I believed was best for me and to my amazement, he never objected to my decisions. He always said that he had his trust in me and even if I had gone the wrong direction, he knew I would come to my senses one day. I was a rebel during my teenage and college years and he never showed that he was losing his patience with me. Although I was not really his blue-eyed boy (my elder brother was, just like any other first-born son), I believed I was special to him. He never said how proud he was of me but I know he was. I have often wondered what it would have been like if we had never grown apart. I'm sure the bond between us would have been stronger and I would never have to hold back what I wanted to say to him. I cannot turn back time so I have to live with the fact that I have missed my opportunity to thank him for making me what I am today or to say how much I loved him. Thank you, Abah. I really miss you and you will always be in my prayers. Al Fatihah.